Waiting vs. Dating and other such thoughts

Waiting vs. Dating.  This is a topic avidly and frequently discussed by fellow MGs.  

My best friend in the whole world and "boyfriend" (hate that title) of 5ish years is serving a mission for our church in San Antonio Texas since March 2008.  We write letters back and forth, email on Mondays, and get to talk on the phone on Christmas and Mother's Day.  And that's all the contact we get.  For two years.  And I get asked questions about the status of our relationship all the time, mostly from my non-LDS Michigan music friends.  I'm pretty sure some of them think I'm making it all up.  Yeah, my imaginary boyfriend out there in Texas who I never get to see cause it's against church rules.  Others think that the limitations on our relationship are too harsh.  How in the world can a girl ever wait two years on only letters and emails?  How is a relationship supposed to last under such circumstances?  These people think I'll fold and find someone else to occupy my time.  Then a select few of them think missions sound really cool, comparing it in their minds to monks going into isolation.  They view our relationship as some sort of spiritual fairy tale, and we'll come out at the other end all zen- fused and ready for what ever comes next.  

And this is just the non-member view on the matter.  The Mormons have all sorts of other things to say about girls waiting for missionaries.  :) 

I gotta admit, I've had waiting ups and downs within the past 10 months.  At times, I've been a hardcore waiter, making packages and scrapbooking, sending weekly letters, and abstaining from other male companionship.  And I've been fine with that.  It works well for me.  Then other more recent times, I've been a wait/dater. Sending less frequent, less elaborate packages, writing less letters, and ... dating someone.  Which is a less comfortable situation to be in.  It feels nice to have a friend to fill the void left by the absent missionary.  And it's fun to have someone to talk to and hang out with.  Someone wonderful with lots and lots of good qualities.  And of course it's great to have a warm body to be close to.  BUT.  On the other hand, it's HARD.  It's hard to play with those kind of heart strings.  It's hard to open your heart to someone else.  It's hard to think of the possibility of falling in love with someone else.  It's hard to make room for such things.  It's hard to imagine a future life with anyone other than the Morris.  It's hard to share memories... certain songs, movies, dances, looks, phrases... that have been exclusive to the Nathan relationship.  It's hard to have a persistent feeling of leading-on.  It's hard to constantly have the thought of someone else in the back of your mind.  It's not fair to give someone else false hope or unclear intentions.  It's not fair when what you really want is half a country away.  It's not fair when what you think you want is in a state of consistent and rigorous personal development, so who knows what he'll be in 14 months. It's hard to not write as frequently.  It's hard to miss moments of his life.  It's hard to discuss serious matters through letters and emails.  It's hard to edit pieces of my life in letters cause I know he won't want to hear it.  It sucks ( yeah mom, it sucks) to not be as strong as I thought I could be.  It sucks to not get as much sleep as I should.  It sucks to not be doing well at my goals.  But it also sucks to talk about these things. It sucks to back up any sort of relationship.  It sucks to be lonely.  Many things about the situation suck.

So... simplify.  Dating is lame. And I don't think I'm into it anymore.  If you were thinking about asking me out anytime in the near future, don't waste your time.  The answer is no.  My heart is busy elsewhere.  I need to take time and focus on what I really need.  I need to realign and re-find my center.  I need to support my missionary... work on building the relationship that has already been one of the rocks in my life for at least two and a half years.  I need to give it the best chance it can get.  I need to not mess it up.  I need to wait.  

And that is my new found view on wait/dating.  Two thumbs down.  Friends are great.  Fantastic.  And necessary.  But dating is the opposite of those things.  At least in my situation.  And I figured it out mostly as I typed this therapeutic blog.  Thank the heavens for blogs for helping me sort through my tangled brier of tricky thoughts.  

Other thoughts.  I've been in a real country music mood lately, which is curious.  I associate country music with high school and summer time and dancing.  Not with graduate school winters and drama.  But here I am, jamming out to Keith Urban and Rascal Flatts like they were Joshua Radin and Sufjan Stevens.  I'm pretty sure this won't last long.  We'll see.

Also happiest of Birthday wishes to my dear Grandma Beckstrom and also forever pal Zach Ames.  Grandma, thanks for reading my blog!  And canning pears for me my whole life.  And for being an amazing woman for me to look up to and strive to be like.  I LOOOOVE YOU!    Zach, you know how I feel.  I'm glad we live in the same time zone.  Let's drive toward each other, meet up somewhere in Canada, grab a slurpee and catch up! 

Did I mention yet that I am playing in my favorite show of all time... The Last 5 Years... in March?  It's playing in St. Joseph, MI and I got hired to play the amazing cello part.  This is totally a pre-dream come true.  Freak, I love making money doing what I love!  

It's cold in Michigan, but the sun is shining today.  "There is sunshine in my soul!"  For some reason I'm feeling very humbled.  

I updated the Elder Morris blog with three new entries.  Feel free to go read it, if that's your thing.  It sounds like he's doing well.  

I'm celebrating Chinese New Year tonight with the fantastic Artz-Iffland family!  I'm thoroughly looking forward to it.  Can't imagine anyone else I'd rather bring in the year of the Ox with.  I was born in a year of the Ox.  How cool is that?  Happy Chinese New Year, friends and fam.  Tally Ho!