Sometimes I feel like Winnie the Pooh when he sits down to do his thinking... pounding his little brain of fluff waiting for some sort of thought to come. Professor Uchimura tells me that I'm not thinking when I play the cello. Not thinking like a grad student, not thinking at all. I wish being good at the cello could be an auto-pilot activity. And I think it used to be. But suddenly the music is harder and the expectations are higher... so I need to THINK!
*sigh*
Here are some thoughts. That have nothing to do with cello:
I'm a lucky lucky girl. I have awesome friends... I feel like Katie Webb deserves a shout out from the blog this week. Her awesome card in the mail and facebook message of encouragement brightened my day twice in a row! Does she just instinctively know when I'm having one of those days? The kind of days where I could really use some Katie Webb in my life? I think the answer is yes. She just knows. And that's a fraction of what makes her so incredibly wonderful!!
I'm also super lucky to have so many people in my life with good advice. I didn't think I was in need of so much advice. And I'm not usually in the mood to take unsolicited advice. But I suppose I AM in need... from all perspectives. So... Mom, Adam, Brenden, Prof. Uchimura, Annalaura, Pres. Johnson... thanks for everything! I'll do my best to take your words into consideration. If anyone else has words of wisdom in my behalf... take this opportunity to share them with me please. I'm feeling unusually open to guidance, council, and outside opinions.
I'm remembering some good advice from Austrian violin pedagog Brain Finlayson... be a rhino, not a cow. If a rhino is stuck in a pen without food, he'll butt and butt against the walls until he busts out. But a cow will stay in the pen without food and starve to death, just waiting for the situation to change on its own. It's time to be a rhino! Make things happen!
Taking Adam's advice into consideration, I feel like I should clarify the waiting vs. dating comments. I'm fine with going on dates. I'm fine with keeping my options open and exploring what wonderfulness might present itself in the next year or so. But along with keeping options open, that also means I'm keeping the Nathan option open too. And the Nathan option is a pretty dang good option. Not anything I'm going to throw away lightly or forget about. So yeah, I suppose I'll date if something catches my eye. But when I say my heart is busy elsewhere, what I mean is that every guy I come across gets the instant Nathan comparison test. He's always going to be in the back (or front) of my mind. And that's something I can't help. I've tried. :) He's my best friend. He knows my everything. He is the best communicator I've ever met. He gives my heart butterflies from across the country... through letters, for pete sake! He understands me, he supports me, and he loves me. And he has for FIVE YEARS! Think I'll find something better? I guess we'll see.
But taking Brenden's advice... I'm going to write to him every week. Without fail. And I'm going to be supportive and uplifting, and help him to be the best missionary he can be. Cause missionaries, esp. MY missionary, need that.
That's what I think.
Hmmm. What else...
It's Friday the 13th, which I think is awesome. Happy Birthday Elder Heaton! There is a Valentines dance tonight at the church that I will not be going to. And I feel fine about that. I'm just not in a dancing mood these days. And tomorrow is Valentines Day. And then it's February 15 which is a day I love. Does life feel like it's on turbo speed sometimes? Yes. Like right now. How can February be half over with? Valentines Day away from Nathan seems a little strange... but being away from him for big events like birthdays and Christmas and Valentines day is getting easier. Holidays without him are beginning to feel like the norm. Sad or happy? I don't know.
Think, think, think!
I'm kind of missing Valentines day last year. The Harlem Globetrotters game, Rumbi with Kar and Ryan, the "long distance date" that never happened, coming home to the surprise of rose petals leading me up the stairs to my lover, roses, pink pearls, La Nonne, pear and gorgonzola pasta, Roman Holiday, bliss. Living in the past can be detrimental... but oh so fun in the moment. I'm excited for what ever THIS Valentines day might hold (besides chamber music rehearsal, cello practicing, lesson planning and paper writing.) I'm also excited for many Valentines days to come! My friend Daniel just told me "Happy St. Valentines Day!" in his hispanic accent. I think that rocks. Happy St. Valentines Day to the WORLD! Love Jamilyn.
New slippers, a hand-knit beanie, and a Valentine from Mom really brightened my mail box last night! Mom!!! You're all done with Cancer!!! You DID it!!! You have no idea how happy that makes me!!! And relieved. What a crazy crazy year it's been. I'm glad to have my mom healthy and alive... no matter how far away. I think the far away-ness makes things harder and easier at the same time. More mixed feelings. Gah. Tell the cancer to stay gone, ok? Like forever.
I have sunshine cravings. I didn't realize how much I missed the sun until it came out last Saturday. And it stayed clear until Tuesday, melting most of the snow that has covered Kzoo for the past forever. And it woke something up inside of me, and I thought "Oh yeah! I remember this! I LOVE this!!" Then as quickly as it came, it left again. Now Michigan is cold and gray once again, and I'm left feeling more than slightly ... unsatisfied...? I can't think of the right word. But I need more sun. Springtime- what a horrible tease!
If you're looking for some kind of inspiration, I recommend checking out Elder Holland's BYU devotional talk called "Remember Lot's Wife." Now honestly, I'm not a BYU devotional regular, nor am I any sort of BYU-ey, but this talk is pretty fantastic. HF answers prayers in all sorts of ways, and I love when answers crop up in unexpected places. I'll make it easy for ya! Here's a link:
Man... See, Prof. Uch? There are ALL SORTS of thoughts going through my head. I just need to somehow make room for cello thoughts too, I guess. Think phrases, planned shifting, continuous vibrato, hand position, loose thumb, loose bow, straight bow, intonation! And I do. I really really do.
Time to practice more.
Peace out!
I'm sitting in my car on one of my favorite Kalamazoo streets, bumming off of open wireless networks and letting the torrential pre-spring rain beat asymmetrical patterns on the roof, windshield and windows. It's Almost 12:30 am. It's still February, but things are melting and changing... The earth and my soul, as the rain continues to fall. 
