A New Job and Stress of the Unknown

Last week, I was checking my email before bed, and noticed that I had a new message from my former cello teacher and surrogate mother-hen, Anne Francis of Utah State University.  It was a forward of a job posting from a colleague of hers, looking to fill the full time position of Music Program Director at a charter school in West Valley called American Preparatory Academy.  Anne was wondering if I would be interested in applying for the position. Even though she knows that I am looking for higher-education teaching positions, she said it might be good experience in the mean time.

So I wrote back and said I would be interested, and thanked her for thinking of me.  The next day, I emailed a letter of intent to the lady who sent the job posting to Anne in the first place.  And within 5 minutes of sending off the email. the lady was calling my cell phone.  We talked for almost an hour while Clementine took a nap.  We talked about my experience, my education, our mutual contacts, and a little bit about what the Program Director would be responsible to do.  And we set up an interview with the executive director of the school for the next day.

I took the interview, and besides feeling completely overwhelmed by the amount of work it sounds like they would need from me, I felt like it went really well.   Two days later, I was offered the job. The next day, I accepted.  And the day after that, I had my first meeting with the executive board.

And after all of that, I'm not exactly sure what I will be doing.  And it's stressing me out.  I know that I am called the Music Program Director for the West Valley campus of American Preparatory Academy. I know that the music program is a 3-hour after school program modeled after the el Sistema programs in Venezuela.  I know that they are calling this program a "nuclous" of Sistema Utah.  I know that this program is only in it's second year of existence.  I know that the executives have big ideas of what they would like this program to become.  And I know that there is a lot to do between where they are now, and where they would like to be.  And all of that "lot to do" is my job.

I know that they want me to help them decide what curriculum to offer, and organize a schedule.  I know that they want the program to be available for students k-12.  I know that they want me to standardize curriculum for the program.  And then recruit students to fill the program.  And teachers to teach the program.  And communicate with parents.  And communicate with teachers.  And communicate with the federal government about what we are doing with the grant money we are using to run this program.  And probably I need to budget that money wisely for the program.  And then I also need to observe teachers and make sure they are teaching the way the executives want them to teach.  Which means that I need to learn how the executives want them to teach.  Because they also want me to teach something too.  I'm not sure what, yet.  Maybe they want me to decide?

I guess I kind of do know what they want me to do.  But I don't know if I know how to do that.  And it's making me anxious.

I don't know how I feel about working full time.  They know that I have a tiny daughter, and they are ok with me doing some of my hours at home.  But I DO have to physically be there every day during the program, which is 3 hours after school every day.  And that is right in the middle of prime private cello teaching hours.  So I probably have to drop most (or all) of my private students.  That makes me really sad because I feel like I have invested a lot in them.  I really love most of them.  And they are good little players.  Not only that, but private teaching is the job where I feel most competent and qualified.  And definitely the most experienced.  And it's where I make the most money per hour.  So deciding what to do about private teaching is stressing me out a little bit.

And then there is Salt Lake Community College.  I already told them that because of this new position, I won't be able to teach Music In Culture in the fall.  That is actually kind of a relief, because I have been stressing out all summer (but not doing anything about it) that I don't have any curriculum prepared.  And now I'm off the hook.  But since (I think I) eventually want to teach at the college level on a more permanent basis, it feels like taking a foolish step backward to drop classes I need to teach to get me the experience I need for the future.  I've decided to stay on as an adjunct faculty to continue teaching the applied cello courses.  I'm excited for this because it will be my only time during the week to really pull out my cello and do something with the degree that I spent 10 years earning.  But I am also stressed about where I will fit those students into my schedule.

I put in my notice of resignation for the University of Utah Preparatory Division.  As much as I love teaching my two little cellists there, I have been getting tired of being continually stepped on and looked over at that job.  It was a big relief to push the send button on that email.

And then there is Clementine to think about.  I LOVE spending time with her and watching her learn and grow.  But there is another part of me that also loves the time that I get to spend away from home.  The hardest thing about having only one car that is usually with Nathan at work is that Clementine and I are often stuck within a walkable radius of our home.  And when it's really hot outside, we sometimes don't get out of the house for a few days at a time.  And I start to get stir crazy! The idea of being able to spend a few hours a day away from home, using my professional skills, is really exciting to me.  But on the flip side, it stresses me out because that means that Clementine will be with someone else.  Right now, I'm reading a book called Bringing Up Bebe, about an American mother raising her children in France and observing French parenting vs. American parenting.  She notes that this guilt for leaving my baby is a completely American idea.  In France, mothers are totally fine to leave their children with nannies or at Day Care.  And they don't feel like bad mothers for it.  At this new job, I will be making enough money to pay for child care, but it feels paradoxical to go to work to make more money so that I can afford to pay someone to watch my baby while I go to work.  I don't know.  This author would say that I'm too American in my thinking, but I don't want to miss watching Clementine grow up.  Good heavens, I'll only miss 3-4 hours of her every day.  I'll be fine.  But now the trouble is finding someone/somewhere to watch her.

Also, we are now considering buying a new car.  Nathan will (hopefully) be working as a nurse starting next month, granting he passes the big ol' NCLEX exam.  And I will need to commute to West Valley to do my thing.  So unless we can figure out a very strategic transportation plan with drop offs and pick ups and busses and Trax, we might need a new car.  Which is exciting.  I would feel a lot more free.  But it's also another big expense.

And we are still planning on moving to a new place soon-ish.  So that's kind of stressful in the backish-middle of my mind.  I feel like we can't really commit to deciding where to live yet until we know where Nathan will be working.  I think the part that is the most stressful is the fact that we have to let it be up in the air for now.  I just want to get everything in it's place.

Really, that's what this all comes down to.  I know I'll feel better once everything is in it's place.  When I know exactly what they want from me at this new job, and I am doing it, I will feel better.  When I know whether or not I can justify teaching my private students on the side, I will feel better.  When I know if Nathan will pass the NCLEX and where he will be working after that, I will feel better.  When I know where we will live at the end of the year, and whether or not we will need a new car, I will feel better.  When we have childcare all squared away for Clementine, I will feel better.  And when I figure out if this career change is screwing up all of my previous notions about what I would be doing with my life in the future, I hope I'll feel better.

Actually, writing all of this out has made me feel a little bit better already.

What are we up to?

What is Jamilyn up to?
… having fun browsing the internet looking for pet-friendly 2 bedroom apartments.  Even though we aren't moving until December, it is really fun for me to start looking.
… started going on a daily walk with Clementine, Sam and Emma.  It's nice to get the ol' heart rate up more than it has been lately.  I signed up for a 5k in 6 weeks, so I guess I should probably start running soon.
… getting excited to teach at the University of Utah Preparatory Division String Summer Camp next week.  I wish the program director would be better at communicating because I still don't know specific times or curriculum I'm expected to teach.  Details, right?
… loving spending the day with Clementine, playing peek-a-boo, reading "That's Not My Dolly," and trying new foods.  Cucumber was her new discovery today.
… enjoying the low-key schedule of teaching only 11 summer cello students.

What is Nathan up to?
… getting ready to ride in his first ever cycling race, The Huntsman 140.  He surpassed his $500 fundraising goal and is so grateful for all the support he is receiving.  He is having a lot of fun training for this race.  He has quite an awesome farmer's tan from his time spent riding.
… working hard at his last semester of nursing school at Ameritech College.  He stays busy with his capstone and full time school schedule, plus service hours.
… enjoying his  job as a unit assistant at the Huntsman Cancer Hospital.  He likes his coworkers and the downtime he gets to work on homework.  This job makes him excited to be a nurse soon.
… reading The Flash comic books and geeking out over his new The Flash cycling jersey.
… missing his little lady Clementine and wishing he had more time to spend with her.  It seems like when ever he is home, she is asleep.  Another reason to be excited to be done with nursing school.

What is Clementine up to?
… mastering the art of the army crawl.  Rolling is still her quickest mode of transportation, but she's getting pretty good at scooting around on her belly.
… loving any opportunity to play.  Whether it is banging on pots and pans while Mom makes dinner, blowing bubbles in the back yard, rolling around on the floor with Samson, or dumping out the entire contents of her toy box and scattering it around the living room floor, she is having a blast.
… sleeping like a champ, all night long and with consistent naps throughout the day.  I thank my lucky stars all of the time that we have a good sleeper here.
… being happy.  She's a happy little ray of sunshine almost all of the time.  Exceptions are made for when she is hungry or tired.
… cuddling, which is new.  Up until now, she has been more likely to push away from a hug, but this week, she has started reaching up for me and snuggling into my chest when I hold her.  It warms my heart every time she does it.

What to Doctors Do?

Jeez, May is almost over, and I haven't blogged at all this month!

I graduated from the University of Utah with my Doctorate of Musical Arts degree in Cello Performance on May 2, which was awesome.  I didn't think about graduating very much, just completely hyper focused on finishing my recital and defending my dissertation.  By the time graduation rolled around, I don't think I had fully processed that I was DONE and all that I had really done to get there.  Walking into the Huntsman center in my cap, gown, and hood for commencement is when it finally hit me.  I'm not really a crying person, but I got kind of teary-eyed.  And I guess I'm still not exactly sure why.  The four years that it took me to get this degree were HUGE and life changing years for me.  The summer before I started, I got engaged.  Between my first and second semesters, I got married.  In the middle of my second year, my mom passed away, and in the middle of my third year I found out that I was pregnant.  During this degree, I was able to travel to Germany and England. I made a few life long friends, worked with a few people who I hope to never see again.  I stretched myself and overcame hard things.  I guess walking into the Huntsman Center for commencement was when I finally took a second to reflect on all of that.  And I felt overwhelmed.

 Lining up behind a bunch of vocal performance DMAs 

 I was the 4th to last one to graduate from the College of Fine Arts

 This is me getting hooded by my awesome teacher and advisor, John Eckstein

 Dr. Morris

 Sweet Clementine conked out in the middle of the ceremony 

A lot of people have asked me, "so, now that you have your degree, what are you going to do now?"  The immediate answer is that I am going to enjoy the feeling of not constantly having something nagging in the back of my mind!  I don't have to practice, I don't have to prepare a recital, I don't need to be working on my dissertation, I don't have any forms I need to get signed and turned into the music office, I don't have any Exceptions to Policy to submit.  And that feels AWESOME!  If I want to sit down and watch 5 episodes of Lost on Netflix, I totally can- guilt free!

The answer that I think most people are looking for when they ask me "what now," though, is sort of lame.  For now, professionally, I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing for the past little bit.  I'm going to keep teaching cello lessons at Salt Lake Community College, and starting in the fall, I will be teaching two sections of a class called Music In Culture.  I'm also going to continue to teach my little cellists at the University of Utah Preparatory Division, and starting in the fall I will be teaching the beginning cello group class as well as a KidMusic class, if anyone signs up for it.  And I have my little flock of private cello students whom I teach and love.

Besides that, I occasionally browse job listings for full time faculty positions at colleges around the country, and I may or may not have submitted a few applications.  No takers yet- I think I'm still pretty young and inexperienced in the market.  But it's fun to think about the future being open to new possibilities.

So for now, I'll just keep building my resume, accruing needed experience, and living life as a DMA graduate.  That includes hanging out with my favorite baby, sitting in the back yard blowing bubbles all afternoon.  And rocking her to sleep.

DONE… almost

9,926 words
34 pages
34 footnotes
27 sources cited
3 months of research
2 weeks of writing
1st draft of my dissertation… submitted!

15 years of cello lessons
5 cello teachers
3 university programs
7 solo recitals
(heaven knows how many millions of hours of practicing)
1 doctoral lecture recital… completed!

All thats left to do is complete any revisions to my dissertation that my graduate committee sees necessary, and then defend it (what ever that entails?) on April 28.

I think I just might graduate this semester.

And then I insist that you all call me Doctor Morris.
Or Jamilyn Morris, D.M.A.

So… this is happening.

My final DMA lecture recital- the one where I have to show the culmination of my 9+ years of post-high school cello study and aptitude in regurgitating information in an educational format- the one where I have to give a 30 minute scholarly lecture basically condensing my dissertation for my graduate committee, colleagues, professors, students, family and friends- the one where I have to remember how to play the cello reeeeaallly awesome after that good ol' pregnancy carpal tunnel and lazy "new mom" excuse for not practicing for the past six months- is happening in less than 18 days.

Reality hit me today.

Cue the freak out.

5 Months Old

Our sweet little lady is 5 months old! She loves oatmeal, apples, and carrots but hates avocado and bananas.  She is taking a break from being the awesome sleeper that she has been since about 3 weeks old.  Instead of sleeping a good 8-10 hours a night, we get to visit her every 3 hours or so to help her get back to sleep. Nathan is so helpful with her and has developed a particular talent for helping her get back to sleep in the middle of the night. Clementine is working hard on being weaned from her swaddle now that she can roll over onto her face all swaddled up, and I think that is the biggest part of the problem. She loves the sound of her own voice and "talks" all the time, especially when she is getting sleepy.  She also squeals and blows razzberries.  She thinks it's pretty funny when ever I say nonsense syllables like ma ma ma ma or da da da da.  She also loves "flying" and being tickled and kicking her strong little legs.  She's getting good at sitting up, and can balance in a sitting position for a few seconds all on her own.  She loves books and loves to be read to.  She grabs on to the pages and can turn them when she's done looking.  She is becoming better friends with Samson.  She likes petting his soft fur but sometimes grabs onto it in her strong fists.  Samson is so patient with her and curious about everything she does.  She loves swinging in the hammock and playing peek-a-boo. She loves looking out the window and smiles so big whenever she sees herself in the mirror.   When she wakes up, she always greets us with a big happy smile.  She is easy going and content.  She loves to play and roll around on the floor.  She's not very cuddly, but she's snuggly when she first wakes up and I love it.  Her soft hair is getting longer and darker.  It can lay flat now, but still goes crazy sometimes.  She's getting chubbier, especially her little thighs, and she is growing soooo fast.  I love belonging to this sweet baby girl.  

Real Parenthood

I feel like Nathan and I have been inducted into real parenthood this week.  Because we have both been majorly pooped on within the past few days.  Once while Clementine and I were enjoying a relaxing night time bath together. And twice in a row while Nathan was changing her diaper before bed.  Two posh Pampers wasted.  :)

You know that you seriously love your baby when you are sitting in her poopy water and you still think that she is the cutest baby in the world.  Never thought that I would feel that way.  Ever.

In other Clementine news, she is on her third day of experimenting with rice cereal!  She had her 4 month birthday and well-baby check up on Monday.  She is still tall and thin like the Daddy- 66% for height and 17% for weight.  Although Dr. Witt isn't worried about her weight, he wants us to get going on the solid food to see if we can chunk her up a bit.  I was worried that she wouldn't be ready yet- everything that I have read (yes, I still read obsessively about baby needs) says that you should definitely wait until they are 6 months old before starting solids.  But the verdict is in- she loves it!  She smiles and opens her little mouth for each bite.  And it's darling, even with rice cereal dripping down her chin.