Hump Day- A Year In Review

Welp. it's official.  Our favorite Elder Nathan Matthew Morris has now been a missionary for 365 days.  One year down and one to go... in Mormon slang, today is "hump day."  Woot!  

A year without Nathan has been quite the cause for Jamilyn retrospection.  525,600 minutes... that seemingly small amount of time has seen some significantly life-altering events: 

-the end of my graduate school audition process- including my last audition, my acceptance into schools, and my choice to go to WMU. 

-my senior recital

-my college graduation

-my mom's cancer diagnosis

-my first real grown up cello job

-my official declaration of vegetarianism

-my epic move to Michigan

-my first day of graduate school

and last but not least...

-the purchase of my sweet Gloria!

(Plus millions and millions of other day-to-day events!)

What a year it's been!  When I think about March 26, 2008, it doesn't seem that long ago.  But thinking about everything between then and now, it seems like an eternity!!  Time is a fascinating thing, isn't it?  So what does that mean for the NEXT 365-ish days?  Fast or slow?  

I've heard that the second year flies by!  And I'm totally ready.  Let's put time on turbo speed so that I can see him walk through that arrival gate, so I can hold his hand and see him smile and hear him talk.  Yeah, talking to him is THE THING I miss the most.  Let this year speed away so that soon I can talk to him all day and all night and not even care about time or sleep or anything but him.  

On the other hand... once he's home, that means I'll be graduating soon.  Which means I'll need to find a job.  And be a grown up.  And decide where I'm going to live.  And maybe be a wife?  There are so many things I want to learn and get better at before it's time to be married.  And so much money to save a debt to pay off.  How does anyone do it?  

And then I think to myself... Woah girl!  Have some faith!  Have some perspective!  "Take a breath, take a step, take a chance.... take your time!"  Why do I worry??

One year.  Twelve months.  Three hundred and sixty-five days.  525,600 minutes.  That's all it is.  Time.  And at this moment in time, I'm absolutely happy to be standing on top of this 'waiting for a missionary' mountain, looking down.  

I didn't mean for this post to go this direction,  but I get thinking and typing and I usually surprise myself with what comes out.  "So there ya go!" (a Nathanish phrase) These are my thoughts- one year in.  

A Fair Dose of Karma and Reminiscence

I came home from school Friday afternoon, parked my car behind my house and made special care to lock my doors like I always do... "in case all of my junk gets stolen," I used to say.  My '97 Ford Escort with multiple dents and chipping paint is definitely not fancy, not the kind of car I'd expect to get busted into.  

Saturday afternoon I was leaving to meet up with some friends for lunch.  I walked out to my car and was surprised to see that the back drivers side door was open.  And both drivers side doors were unlocked.  Hmmm.  Curious.  Then I noticed a screw driver on the floor by the gas pedal and I thought "Silly Nick must have left this here when he was fixing my broken rear view mirror.  Mental note- return screw driver."  I was in a hurry, so I turned on the car and glanced toward the clock to see if I was going to be late for lunch.  And where the clock usually is, I saw this: 

Someone STOLE my CD player... and my AC/Heater!!! And left the gruesome wire guts dangling out!  Finally I started to make sense of all the clues that I should have put together in the first place.  The open door... the screw driver... Ugh!   And I was really upset.  

And I'm still kind of upset.  But driving around in my now silent car has allowed me some time to ponder things a little bit.  I think I'm a believer in Karma- or at least the principle of 'what goes around comes around'.  All winter long I made fun of Nick's BMW for lacking a heater and a CD player.  And now that Nick is out of the picture... look at my Escort.  Lacking CD player and Heater.  Correlation of karma?  Perhaps.  Or maybe it's this:  Just the other day I was thinking to myself "I wish my ipod to radio adaptor worked better.  It's so annoying to have to listen to static sometimes!"  And now it's gone... stolen along with the rest.  Is fate telling me to be more appreciative for what I have?  Or maybe it's God very boldly telling me to turn off my loud music and take time to listen to my thoughts every once in a while.  

OR MAYBE it's just some Kalamazoo hoodlum desperately trying to sell my bottom of the line CD player and static-inducing ipod adapter for drug money.  Sad life.   He (or maybe she) is going to be real disappointed the next time he gets the itch to steal and realizes that I have his screw driver.  Karma.  

Also worth mentioning.... Exactly a year ago today was Easter 2008.  The day Nathan gave his farewell talk, the day Nyle came with me to Relief Society, the day I didn't win the Easter hunt, and the dreaded day I said "see ya later" to my best friend for two whole years!!  After a good talk in the hammock, an impromptu photo shoot in our matching scrubs, a sweet dance in the street (with music coming from my car CD player... ok I'll stop now) and many a great kiss, I somehow made myself drive back to Logan knowing that I wouldn't see him again for at least 730 days.  *sigh* Bittersweet memories.  I've been thinking a lot about this today.  

He actually didn't go into the MTC until March 26, so his "hump day" will be on Thursday.  Stay tuned... more Nathan blogging is on the way! In the meantime, here are some pictures from March 23, 2008:

      

Girls Who Eat Their Feelings

It's about 2:30 am and I'm obviously not sleeping.  Instead, I'm eating an entire can of soup, two pieces of 9 grain toast with butter, apple sauce with cinnamon, and a big ol' mug of rice milk.  After an emotionally draining weekend, I think this puts me in the category of "girls who eat their feelings." 

Having a Coke With You

is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, Irun, Hendaye, Biarritz, Bayonne
or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona
partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian
partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for yoghurt
partly because of the fluoresent orange tulips around the birches
partly because of the secrecy our smiles take on before people and statuary

it is hard to believe when I'm with you that there can be anything as still
as solemn as unpleasantly definitive as statuary when right in front of it
in the warm New York 4 o'clock light we are drifting back and forth
between each other like a tree breathing through its spectacles

and the portrait show seems to have no faces in it at all, just paint
you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever did them I look
at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world
except possibly for the "Polish Rider" occasionally and anyway it's in the Frick
which thank heavens you haven't gone to yet so we can go together the first time
and the fact that you move so beautifully more or less takes care of Futurism
just as at home I never think of the "Nude Descending a Staircase" or
at a rehearsal a single drawing of Leonardo or Michaelangelo that used to wow me
and what good does all the research of the impressionists do them
when they never got the right person to stand near the tree when the sun sank
or for that matter Marino Marini when he didn't pick the rider as carefully
as the horse

it seems they were all cheated of some marvelous experience
which is not going to go wasted on me which is why I am telling you about it

Currently loving: This poem by Frank O'Hara, Michigan rain storms, Gloria, Elder Morris, and dried cherries.  Reading: The "traveling notebook" (passed around between my best friends in the world-  filled with their most recent adventures), Music In The Renaissance, and Preach My Gospel chapter 3.  Listening to: Ani DiFranco and Apocalyptica.  Practicing: Elgar cello concerto, Bach 5th suite fugue and Haydn trio in E flat.  Also tension-free bowing, lifted focus, and finger weight distribution.  Working on: To-do lists, inner strength, goals, optimism, faith.  Thinking about: Dialogue from Last 5 Years, day dreams, sleep, and unanswered questions.  SIMPLIFY!... kind of like Semper Fi! Love you all! MWAH!

Cleanse

I'm sitting in my car on one of my favorite Kalamazoo streets, bumming off of open wireless networks and letting the torrential pre-spring rain beat asymmetrical  patterns on the roof, windshield and windows.  It's Almost 12:30 am.  It's still February, but things are melting and changing...  The earth and my soul, as the rain continues to fall.  

"I'm not crying... it's just been raining- on my face"- Brett from Flight of the Conchords.  

Today I feel so extremely blessed.  Which is bizarre, cause it's been a stressful, frustrating few days.  But I have way too much to be thankful for- too much to be happy about- without feeling outrageously selfish for being depressed.  Today I had a re-realization that I can go to my Father in Heaven and tell him that I am so completely imperfect, and that my best efforts are often futile, but that if I believe in him,  let him help me and heal me and guide me, I can become the kind of woman that he and I both want me to become.  If I have faith, and "experiment upon [his] word", he has the power to change me.  

And that is my hope, on this cold  Michigan post-midnight... as rain washes away the winter.  A figurative and literal cleanse.  

The Eleventh Hour

When I was growing up, we had an awesome picture book at my house called The Eleventh Hour about an elephant who has a big fancy party for his eleventh birthday.  And he invites 11 friends.  And then during the course of the party, CRIME HAPPENS, and someone steals his birthday feast!  And then you have to search for clues in the amazing illustrations to find which of the 11 friends is the culprit.  The answer, with all the evidence,  is sealed up in a confidential envelope in the back of the book.  I'm not sure if we ever opened the envelope, but we're positive the mouse did it.  This book is SUPER rad, and I still think of it anytime anyone uses the expression "It's down to the eleventh hour"...  Which it seems to be for me right now.  

Spring break starts at the end of this week.  Which means that this week is full of papers and midterms and performances.  Stress.  ARGH!  However, at this eleventh hour, I usually seem to come up with my best work.  Indeed I am motivated by pressure.  Why can't I be motivated by something more comfortable?  

And in 3 days, Nathan will have been gone for 11 months.  Woah.  11 months is a long time.  And I really really really miss my best friend.  But for some reason, the 13 remaining months don't seem too daunting.  I want time to stay fast, but if anything, I feel like I don't have enough time!  Weird?  Yes.  

Well, maybe not so weird.  Cause after April 2010 Nathan will be home and I'll be graduating, and THEN WHAT?  That's the REAL 11th hour moment.  Who knows where I'll live or what kind of job I'll get or if I'll get married.  Good heavens.  Why am I worrying about this right now?   

It's also the 11th hour to figure out summer plans.  Most applications/auditions to summer music programs are due a week from today.  And I still don't know for sure where I'm applying or what I'll play for auditions.  And I don't know by what means I'll make my recordings.  This is usually a recipe for not getting in.  Yikes.  I need to work this out real soon.  

Man,I gotta go to class!  I don't have time to blog.  Why am I like this?

Think think think...

Sometimes I feel like Winnie the Pooh when he sits down to do his thinking... pounding his little brain of fluff waiting for some sort of thought to come.  Professor Uchimura tells me that I'm not thinking when I play the cello.  Not thinking like a grad student, not thinking at all.  I wish being good at the cello could be an auto-pilot activity.  And I think it used to be.  But suddenly the music is harder and the expectations are higher... so I need to THINK!  

*sigh*

Here are some thoughts.  That have nothing to do with cello:

I'm a lucky lucky girl.  I have awesome friends... I feel like Katie Webb deserves a shout out from the blog this week.  Her awesome card in the mail and facebook message of encouragement brightened my day twice in a row!  Does she just instinctively know when I'm having one of those days?  The kind of days where I could really use some Katie Webb in my life?  I think the answer is yes.  She just knows.  And that's a fraction of what makes her so incredibly wonderful!!

I'm also super lucky to have so many people in my life with good advice.  I didn't think I was in need of so much advice.  And I'm not usually in the mood to take unsolicited advice.  But I suppose I AM in need... from all perspectives.  So... Mom, Adam, Brenden, Prof. Uchimura, Annalaura, Pres. Johnson... thanks for everything!  I'll do my best to take your words into consideration.  If anyone else has words of wisdom in my behalf... take this opportunity to share them with me please.  I'm feeling unusually open to guidance, council, and outside opinions.  

I'm remembering some good advice from Austrian violin pedagog Brain Finlayson... be a rhino, not a cow.  If a rhino is stuck in a pen without food, he'll butt and butt against the walls until he busts out.  But a cow will stay in the pen without food and starve to death, just waiting for the situation to change on its own.  It's time to be a rhino!  Make things happen!  

Taking Adam's advice into consideration, I feel like I should clarify the waiting vs. dating comments.  I'm fine with going on dates.  I'm fine with keeping my options open and exploring what wonderfulness might present itself in the next year or so.  But along with keeping options open, that also means I'm keeping the Nathan option open too.  And the Nathan option is a pretty dang good option.  Not anything I'm going to throw away lightly or forget about.  So yeah, I suppose I'll date if something catches my eye.  But when I say my heart is busy elsewhere, what I mean is that every guy I come across gets the instant Nathan comparison test.  He's always going to be in the back (or front) of my mind.  And that's something I can't help.  I've tried.  :) He's my best friend.  He knows my everything.  He is the best communicator I've ever met.  He gives my heart butterflies from across the country... through letters, for pete sake! He understands me, he supports me, and he loves me.  And he has for FIVE YEARS! Think I'll find something better? I guess we'll see.  

But taking Brenden's advice... I'm going to write to him every week.  Without fail.  And I'm going to be supportive and uplifting, and help him to be the best missionary he can be. Cause missionaries, esp. MY missionary, need that.  

That's what I think.  

Hmmm.  What else...

It's Friday the 13th, which I think is awesome.  Happy Birthday Elder Heaton! There is a Valentines dance tonight at the church that I will not be going to.  And I feel fine about that.  I'm just not in a dancing mood these days.  And tomorrow is Valentines Day.  And then it's February 15 which is a day I love.  Does life feel like it's on turbo speed sometimes?  Yes.  Like right now.  How can February be half over with?  Valentines Day away from Nathan seems a little strange... but being away from him for big events like birthdays and Christmas and Valentines day is getting easier.  Holidays without him are beginning to feel like the norm.  Sad or happy?  I don't know.  

Think, think, think!

     

I'm kind of missing Valentines day last year.  The Harlem Globetrotters game, Rumbi with Kar and Ryan, the "long distance date" that never happened, coming home to the surprise of rose petals leading me up the stairs to my lover, roses, pink pearls, La Nonne, pear and gorgonzola pasta, Roman Holiday, bliss.  Living in the past can be detrimental... but oh so fun in the moment. I'm excited for what ever THIS Valentines day might hold (besides chamber music rehearsal, cello practicing, lesson planning and paper writing.) I'm also excited for many Valentines days to come!  My friend Daniel just told me "Happy St. Valentines Day!" in his hispanic accent.  I think that rocks.  Happy St. Valentines Day to the WORLD! Love Jamilyn. 

New slippers, a hand-knit beanie, and a Valentine from Mom really brightened my mail box last night!  Mom!!! You're all done with Cancer!!!  You DID it!!!  You have no idea how happy that makes me!!!  And relieved.  What a crazy crazy year it's been.  I'm glad to have my mom healthy and alive... no matter how far away.  I think the far away-ness makes things harder and easier at the same time.  More mixed feelings. Gah.  Tell the cancer to stay gone, ok?  Like forever.  

I have sunshine cravings.  I didn't realize how much I missed the sun until it came out last Saturday.  And it stayed clear until Tuesday, melting most of the snow that has covered Kzoo for the past forever.  And it woke something up inside of me, and I thought "Oh yeah!  I remember this!  I LOVE this!!"   Then as quickly as it came, it left again.  Now Michigan is cold and gray once again, and I'm left feeling more than slightly ... unsatisfied...?  I can't think of the right word.  But I need more sun.  Springtime- what a horrible tease!  

If you're looking for some kind of inspiration, I recommend checking out Elder Holland's BYU devotional talk called "Remember Lot's Wife."  Now honestly, I'm not a BYU devotional regular, nor am I any sort of BYU-ey, but this talk is pretty fantastic.  HF answers prayers in all sorts of ways, and I love when answers crop up in unexpected places.  I'll make it easy for ya!  Here's a link:

 http://byubnew.byu.edu/talks/Talk.aspx?id=3403

Man... See, Prof. Uch?  There are ALL SORTS of thoughts going through my head.  I just need to somehow make room for cello thoughts too, I guess. Think phrases, planned shifting, continuous vibrato, hand position, loose thumb, loose bow, straight bow, intonation! And I do.  I really really do.  

Time to practice more.

Peace out!