Last Friday night was the opening night of the UofU Lyric Opera. I was playing in the orchestra. On my way over to Kingsbury Hall, I got a text from my Mom's phone that said "I'm sorry Jamie Lynn, we're losing Grandma." And I felt like it was kind of strange, cause my Mom would never misspell my name- even in a text. But my Grandma had been sick for quite a while. She had missed my wedding back in December, which she would have never done if she was feeling even slightly well. And especially the weekend before, she had taken a turn for the worse, and the doctors advised the family to gather round to say our last goodbyes. We got to go in to her ICU room two at a time for about 5 minutes each. When I went in, she opened her eyes, and I petted her hair. I was able to tell her that I loved her so much and I hoped that she would get better soon. It was much harder than I thought it would be to see her not looking like herself- to see her, laying thin and pale in a hospital bed, instead of working in her garden, or busily baking something in the kitchen. It was scary to know that even the doctors weren't sure what was going wrong with her. I just stood there next to her bed and cried and cried.
But last Friday night, after the "we're losing her" text, I didn't hear anything else about it. At intermission, I checked my phone, and saw another text from my Mom that said "call me." So I did, and through tears, my mom shared the sad news that Grandma had passed away. We couldn't talk long, because intermission was ending and I had to get back to playing the show. I had so many thoughts and memories going through my head that during the second half, I could barely focus on the music.
Since then, it has been nice to spend so much time with family, especially the ones who live far away. It has been sad to imagine life without grandma. And it has been really tender to share memories and favorite stories. I think death customs are strange. I really don't like viewings. The empty shell of the person you love, lying in the casket, never looks quite like the living version. And it's hard to gather with friends and family in the same room with the empty version of the person for an entire night, crying and laughing over memories and condolences. Funerals are also really hard. Grandma's funeral was beautiful. It was a lovely day outside, and the flowers that people gave were stunning. My cousin Sarah was asked to speak at the funeral, and for her talk, she collected favorite memories from all the grandkids. Here is what I contributed:
"When I think about my favorite memories with Grandma, they always seem to have something to do with hard work. I loved going down the garden rows with her, collecting pea pods or fresh raspberries. I remember working side by side with her at the kitchen sink, rinsing the dishes that she scrubbed. Even when I was too small to be much help, I remember drying the kitchen floor behind her as she mopped. When I would spend the day, she would let me help her bake bread. She would always make a mini loaf for me. From my Grandma, I learned that working hard together makes great fun. She was always so patient with me! And after the work was done, there was always time for fresh berries and cream with a warm slice of my favorite homemade bread!"
I played my cello for my grandma at her funeral too. I didn't think I would have such a hard time, but when I got to the chorus of "Oh Divine Redeemer," thinking about my grandma and my savoir and the words to the song, I melted down. I'm really glad that I wasn't asked to sing- I'm sure it's much easier to play through tears than to sing through them. I just wanted to play my best for my grandma who hadn't heard me play for at least 3 years. I hope she liked it.
Nathan and I went to visit Jeff at grandma's house last night. It was so strange to walk through the door and not have her waiting in the kitchen or front room. There was no big hug and kiss on the cheek. No "there's my 'lyn!" Just an empty house with a somber feeling. I hope that feeling fades, because it looks like Nathan and I will be moving in soon. It's going to be hard to leave our cute little apartment and our favorite Southgate ward, but Jeff can't live on his own, and he hates the idea of joining a group home. I really am happy to be able to help out. And even though it's old, I really do love Grandma's house. Nathan and I are both excited to learn all about planting and caring for a garden. And at grandma's house, there is definitely space!
Finals and papers are all over, but Nathan and I are not on the open road to Texas. Our friend who was going to go with us, and split the cost, backed out at the last minute. He said he had a very strong and distinct feeling that he shouldn't go. And without him, we couldn't afford to go. So here we are. Disappointed, but also a little relieved. Nathan has the week off of work, and I cancelled my students, so we are on fake vacation. It's nice to sleep in, spend time with family, and emotionally process the week's events. Also, it gives us time to plan our Westward move back to Taylorsville. Nathan convinced me to start watching the first season of Lost with him from Netflix last night. Erin and Jon are going to teach us all they know about gardening. Adam and his cute family are in town from Virginia. And we are still going to make it to St. George/Las Vegas next weekend for Matt's Ph.D graduation.
Lots of answers to prayers. Lots of "closed door, open window" situations. Lots of hard, but good things.
